I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
