hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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