The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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