I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
