Betty ford says i'm here all night
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
