i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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