You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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