I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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