You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
