Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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