I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
