You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
