I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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