Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
