My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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