there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish my penis had a tongue
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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