oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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