If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
