the condom got lost in my hair
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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