I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
