At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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