Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think my fart just growled at me.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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