Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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