she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
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Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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