Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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