Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
