By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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