Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
