When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
