i wish starbucks made bloody marys
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
