i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
