You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
