i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
