I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
