my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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