Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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