Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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