Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
