I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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