we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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