real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
