I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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