Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
