So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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