i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
