Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
