sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
