im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
