An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
