i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
