I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
