I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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