i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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