I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
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i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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