God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
