btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
