Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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