He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
