I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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