quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
