I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
