this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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