They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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